Think Three Times
January 15, 2010
On Wednesday morning, an RDS parent left in my mail box an article from the Wall Street Journal, "Before You Gossip, Ask Yourself This...," by Jeffrey Zaslow. Two hours later, at our All-School Assembly, a third-grader announced that there was a lot of name-calling going on in his grade and it needed to stop. In the spirit of these synchronistic events, I want to share with you some practical advice from Zaslow about helping our children avoid the practices of gossip and name-calling, as our third-grade student so eloquently and responsibly requested.
In his article, Zaslow focused on the three questions that we have all heard and probably too easily have forgotten when it comes to gossip and name-calling. This wisdom has been passed down through the ages by various spiritual and religious groups. Before you say anything that borders on gossip or name-calling, you need to ask yourself three questions:
1. Is what I'm about to say kind?
2. Is what I'm about to say true?
3. Is what I'm about to say necessary?
Your responses to these questions will unerringly guide you in what to say or not say. No deep philosophical inquiries here, just the facts.
That these questions are so simple and concrete means they are effective with both concrete thinkers (lower school students) and those entering or already in abstract thinking (middle school students, faculty, staff, administrators, parents, guardians). These questions ring true for us all.
As a parent/guardian or teacher, posing these questions with our students caught in the act of gossip or name-calling is much more effective than simply telling them to stop, or worse, launching into lengthy lectures - especially lectures that are emotional. Instead, asking these questions invites them to judge their words and thoughts for themselves, rather than defend their actions to an adult.
Deeper still, when we connect these questions to their internal compasses, we strengthen their integrity. "So you know that what you said was unkind (or not true or not necessary) and you still said it. How does that feel? Was there a part of you that knew you shouldn't say it before you did? (Hint: There always is!) Good. Next time I suggest you listen to that part of yourself before you say anything like that. It'll help you avoid feeling the way you do now."
The bottom line is that we know all kids flirt with name-calling and gossip-it's part of growing up, for better and for worse. Our goal is to help them learn for themselves that this is not a desirable way to conduct their lives. My hunch is that if we all have these conversations-in many cases, over and over again-students will not feel the need to make announcements about name-calling at assemblies. And on this point I'm crystal clear: this can only happen if we work together, school and home.
Sometimes it's just three simple questions, coupled with boundless perseverance and patience, that can make all the difference. Think about it. Better yet, give it a try.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Mike
PS: In the spirit of the power of words, I invite you all to the annual RDS Oratorical Festival on January 20 at our All-School Assembly. Also, take the time over this long weekend to have some conversations with your children about the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I can think of no better role model and reinforcement of the three questions described above than Dr. King.